Thursday, January 12, 2006

razors back

Okay you want more huh lets see

Why do I read Christine's blog

We sort of exist in the same circumstances, except I don't have a nut living in my house, well besides me

I have an internet girlfriend who lives in Ireland, well had one, more on this later. Anyways we have been e-dating for approximately 2 years. I went to see her in January and July of 2005. We clicked on the web and boy did we click in person.

She is kind of the polar opposite of me
she 5'3 me 6'6
she 100lb me 400lb
she college educated me life experience
she 5 kids me none
but the problem
she married me never

We were together and it felt right but she wouldn't leave her husband. He I think is bipolar but he remains undiagnosed, he certainly has some kind of mental malfunction. But like so many women in those situations he had managed to convince her that it was her fault he treated her so badly. I stuck by her even though it was hard and it hurt, but she is my soulmate and I do not give up easily. I suppose I could have tried to force the situation, and to tell the truth with her personality it was probably what she wanted. That way she could avoid the difficulty of accepting her part in our little drama. But for myself I needed to know she was with me because she wanted to be not because she had to be, it is now and always has been her choice. In October of this year family services stepped in and made him leave the family house as he was considered a bad influence on the children with his sudden and violent mood swings. He is a master manipulator and it seems is even pulling the wool over the eyes of family services by attending counseling and acting like the original angel while they watch, in the meantime he has openly admitted to her that he considers it a joke and that he is just going through the motions as he is not the problem. Still I sat and we talked and shared our lives and I did not force a single issue and things never changed.

So fast forward to New Years Eve, she disappears off the computer and I don't hear from her for a whole day and I worry and fret about someone I love who has just disappeared and on New years day she comes on to talk to me but she says she doesn't want to talk to me anymore. She is just going to be with her kids and get her life in order and I am no longer a part of it.

I accepted that, with class and dignity or as a sucker some might say. But class is such a rare commodity that few people recognize it these days. Anyways a few days later she is back talking to me, I talk politely and openly ask about her and the kids and hows things going. We talk more and more and I guess you could say we might have been heading for a reconciliation of a type, but it is no longer acceptable to me to have the relationship we had. It must be a proper one, I told her she had to start divorce proceedings before I would consider returning to be even her e-boyfriend. So now I sit here with no contact from her, refusing to contact her. Broken hearted, depressed and hiding it from everyone.

Anyways now you know more about my life then anybody but her, even my family doesn't know all this.

I guess I am the quintessential man as I will not whimper whine and cry about my life, I just live it.

LOL and if you say this post is whiney its not my fault Christine insisted about learning more about me


Blogger Me said...

Your post doesn't come across as a whiner. It comes across as a man who fell in love with a woman who wanted the best of both worlds. The safety of marriage that she's comfortable with and the excitment of loving someone new.
Of course I'm just guessing.
I've been down that married/internet boyfriend road myself. It rarely turns out well for the boyfriend.
No matter how you look at it, she's damn lucky to have someone love her as much as you do.
Just don't let her use you to soothe her ego when things are rough at home. You deserve so much more.

1:59 p.m.  
Blogger Almost Lazarus said...

Excuse me, but when you say "internet gf", is this someone you've ever met in real life? You "date" online? How do you know the crap she tells you is actually happening? You think people don't make up internet personas and look to dingbats like you for attention?

7:06 p.m.  
Blogger razorbeck said...

well Lazaruss do you think I was born yesterday, I am not a fool I do not just accept anybody at face value. I have met her face to face and I believe I know her well enough to believe what she says.

2:54 a.m.  
Blogger Christine said...

Wow. Your decision to make her choose is the right one as much as it hurts. "Me" is right about the desire to have the comfort and the excitment but that isn't fair to you. In as much as it hurts and as much as you hope she comes back to you, if she doesn't it was for the best. Someone who can't love you enough to put you as number one in their life doesn't deserve you. I know of what I speak.
Peace Out.

1:57 p.m.  

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