Friday, January 20, 2006

Okay I fucked up big time tonight

the Irish chick and I had a quiet chat this morning and she said her good byes. It was all done with class and quiet conversation, I am not a screamer or a gnasher of teeth, I think on days like this she wishes I was. But this isn't where I fucked up just wait for it.

we talked and she had her say and we passed out of each others lives quietly like adults. I still think she is wrong, the reasons she gave were in my opinion not a reason to end this but it is after all her choice, it takes two to tango and if one doesn't want to dance then you aren't really tangoing. I personally think it still comes down to her opinion that she doesn't deserve to be happy or to be loved unconditionally. She cited a reason that will always remain between me and her, it caused the darkest part of our relationship but those that are worried it does not involve violence.

and no this isn't where I fucked up, be patient!

she said she might be on later to talk so I kept my messenger open and an eye out for her but all day nothing. I know her and this hardly surprised me she is very emotional and takes awhile to work things out for herself.

anyways I was waiting for the last of my crews to come in so I logged into a chat server and though I didn't expect to see her I looked for her. She was there and we talked quietly. I encouraged her to move on, I mean if I cant have her it doesn't stop me from wanting her to be happy. Though it will kill me when I hear she has found someone new to share her life.

where and how I fucked up? Well everyone had come and gone but I was enjoying talking to her so I didn't care. We were talking, I cant say as it was the best but I was in no hurry to have it end. Where I fucked up? My brother phoned up asking if he had dropped something outside the office. It was literally 20 feet away so I didn't go BRB because I would be gone 5 seconds. But my fucking brother had set the office door to automatic lock so when I walked out, I was locked out. I knew immediately that she would think I had left and wouldn't talk to her because I hated her but I couldn't talk to her and tell her I was coming back. I tried her mobile but it wouldn't connect me, I sat outside my office waiting for keys its -15 and I am in nothing but a T-shirt. Honestly the least of my concerns was the cold I was more worried about the Irish chick and how she would be re-acting. After 10 or 20 minutes I have no idea really how long it was, the keys arrived and I finally got back into the office and as I suspected she had left feeling like shit about herself. Which left me feeling shit about myself. I swore to her I would never intentionally hurt her and even though it wasn't technically my fault never the less I left her feeling badly about herself and that's how I fucked up today. I still cant get her on mobile(I am sure its been turned off) and she is probably crying in her bed thinking I hate her so much I wouldn't even say good night to her.

somedays I hate the fucking world
razors back


Blogger bubbletoes said...

You know, when you are communicating through a messenger there are things that can go wrong and you dont always get a warning. I used to be in a similar situation and it would happen to us every so often and when it first happened - when he just disappeared with out warning - it was just after I had shared something important, something I was scared of revealing to him. And then he just didnt respond. So I left feeling horrible. Next time we spoke he apologised and explained that his computer had crashed with out warning. And he begged and pleaded with me that if it happened again, to trust him, to stick around and that there would be an explanation.
I guess what I am trying to say, is that your irish chick should know you well enough to know that the last thing on earth you want to do is hurt her. (It is plainly obvious to anyone reading your blog anyway) and even though it wasn't a usual everyday conversation, if she knows you, she knows that thats something you wouldn't do. You didn't fuck up. Things happen like this, its no-ones fault. Hope you can talk to her soon so that you can explain it to her, reassure her and feel better about it yourself.

7:49 p.m.  

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