Sunday, January 29, 2006

The invisible man and other things

I have told you that I am a giant man and I am. But in my family I have always been invisible. My sister the apple of my grandparents eye, my brother the apple of my fathers eye and my mothers indifference.

I am the youngest in the family, the forgotten one, I know in some families that makes you special in my family that just makes me the also ran. I wont discuss my sister because I could never compete with her and I have no issues with that. My brother on the other hand is a different matter, my big brother, the golden child is a mind boggling 324 days older than me. Yes that's right folks he is not even a year older than me, but some how those 324 days make all the difference in the world.

let me do some explaining here just to set the scene. There is some arguments that I was a premie but at 7lbs 6oz it wasn't particularily obvious and the science was a whole lot less exact at that time. I was the smallest of the 3 of us but only by 1 oz. I was also born with a whole in my heart an indication that I was a premie. babies when they are in the womb, up until the short time just before they are born have a hole connecting the two halves of their hearts. this is so that their hearts can practice pumping with out interfering with the delivery of blood from the mother. Shortly before a normal birth this whole closes permanently to allow the heart to keep the new born alive. And even with this hole it normally closes even in premies. I remember as a wee fellow going to the doctors a lot though I do not remember what happened there.

as long as I can remember I have been as big as my big brother and for the majority of it bigger than him. I have always been as strong as him as well, though I have never been able to run as far and as fast as him. In retrospect I do not know if this was a function of my likely premature birth or the fact that I was born to be a giant. Let me just say I call myself a giant not based on my height of 6'6" but rather on my whole body structure, I have extremely wide shoulders, large hands, a large skull and just generally huge body structure. Anyways my brother and I played a lot of sports together both organized and unorganized. He was always praised for his athleticism, I was never praised for anything ever. I was never a pure athlete, I succeeded by my ability to outhink my opponent which is never something that is praised. As a child I always felt invisible because I wasn't my brother

I work for my father, my brother works for my father. He is and always will be the golden child. As young adults my brother was always paid more than me, my father once told me he was older he deserved more, he is 324 fucking days older than me. I was the one who had the better qualifications, I was the one who went out and busted my ass everyday and he was the one that reaped the reward. I tought my older brother to drive a dump truck, I tought my brother to drive a semi but he was the one that made more money. I have pulled my brothers ass out of the fire on jobs more times than I care to know, I have never been given a thank you, have I ever been told I have done a good job? No I am just the other son.

in 1993, when I was just 25, my father got hold of a company killer job. It took all the resources out of the company and did nearly succeed in bankrupting us. It was a job out of town and my father ended up going out to that job to try and get it back on track. He left me in charge for a week while he went out to do this job, I was put in charge because my brother was already in charge of the company killer. Though I will say the problem wasn't with my brother but with the job. Anyways I was put in charge of the company for 1 week and 4 months later I was still in charge. Technically 13 years later I am still in charge. Though my brother has been offered my job more than once, yes that's right despite my showing my competency my brother was offered my job because he's older. I have my job and the respect of my peers not because I am my fathers son but because I have earned it, in every ones eyes but my fathers.

to this day if I am introduced at all it is as "my other son". Some men would revel in the fact they had such a large son, my father is embarrassed by it. Since the day we hit adulthood my father has been embarrassed by my size, even before I was a fat ass and just a generally huge man. My brother is the original "norm" 6' tall 200 pounds and as controversial as tapioca. He is and always will be the golden child, he is normal and I am the freak.

now why you might ask is the reason for the overly long narrative? Its because the Irish chick makes me feel the same way. She has always hidden our relationship, she will always hide our relationship especially now that it is over. The conflict in our relationship comes from her wanting the status quo and me being tired of the invisible man act. There was a point where it was necessary and perhaps even preferred but to me that time is passed but she wont move on

she is happy with her ruts and I have always struggled to break free and follow my own path. In many ways we are one and in some we are mirror opposites.

so loveatalltimes take this tale to heart and if you want to keep your man, make sure you don't hide him too long or he will learn to resent you. He will start to see your on going hiding of your relationship as confirmation of the primacy of your previous relationship as it will seem to be more important than the one you share.

razors back


Blogger friendsloveatalltimes said...

I have told a friend about the EX. And, I am ending my marriage as soon as possible. FB came by here today and we got in another fight. He is ready to fix this or move more of the crying man syndrome for him He is pissed. He finally has some balls. That is good. He is no longer in denial about the end of this marriage. The EX knows all of this, and he knows that if I have time on Thursday or Friday, I will be meeting with a lawyer to take the next step. He is waiting patiently and I am so grateful to him for that. I have been open and honest about wanting to be with him. He IS scared of getting hurt, I can tell. Just when he opens up, he pulls back again. I have to bear with that because I know this is not easy. One roller-coaster ride after another. I am trying to take it a ride at a time, so I am pulling back at times as well. And, you should try to do the same with your life. If it is meant to be, then it will be. Everything happens for a reason.

6:44 p.m.  

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