I don't know how to open up

Christine says to post more but that means letting you into my world, I don't know how to. I was raised in a small emotionally unavailable family. plus even though you don't know me, have no way to find me, it would be like betraying confidences. I have been hiding fro the world, my family and mostly myself. I know this but that doesn't make it easier does it. I mean why does a turtle have a shell? because that's where he is comfortable and safe

We all have shells of one variety or another. some are thick and impenetrable. some are thin and fragile. But somewhere in that spectrum is where we all live, or atleast those of us that are reasonably normal and not a head case.

My problem is that my shell is too comfortable, I know all its nooks and crannies and it suits me...sort of.

I suppose I started this blog to explore inwards as I have seen enough of the outwards. Now I just have to find the nerve to open up

perhaps I can just hope Christine is the only one who ever reads it. Its kind of boring and not at all amusing so its hardly going to garner the attention hers does. lol maybe in here I can finally find the anonymity I have been seeking since I was 16. Why anyone wants to be well known let alone famous is beyond me.

anyways I will have to think about it

I will let you know I guess

Okay let me try this 50 things about me thing. Though don't know if I can make it

1. I am tall, 6' 6" to be precise. Unless I am sitting down it is usually the first thing people notice

2 I am fat 400 pounds to be precise, its the other thing most people notice about me, amazingly enough

3 the combination of the first 2 intimidates most people even when I am not trying. I don't like to intimidate people

4 I have a reputation for being mean, Undeserved for the most part

5 I am smarter than most people think I am, because of the first two things people seem to automatically assume I am not the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree. I think they have seen to many Hollywood movies

6 I am 37 years old and never married. Does that mean I am the male equivalent of an old maid?

7 I have a wicked sense of humour and find just about anything funny, after all everything is funny till it happens to you

8 In my opinion I have good taste in music but most people seem to disagree so that remains to be seen

9 I love to learn and pay attention at all times to try to learn new facts or ways of doing things

10 however I hate to practice the things I have learned just for the sake of practice

11 #10 explains why even though I love to learn I hated school and did not excel at it.

12 I was going to be an accountant because I like numbers and the manipulation of numbers however in the summer while in high school I started to work construction and it got into my blood and the idea of being in an office all day as an accountant lost all its appeal

13 I now spend all my time in an office, however no suit and I still get a decent tan lol

14 operating a bulldozer when you are 18 is everybit as much fun as you think it should be

15 operating a bulldozer when you're 37 is still fun as long as you only get to do it part time

16 for those of you young and just starting out, being your own boss can be way over rated unless you are bill gates and own half the worlds wealth

17 I didn't buy my first computer till 3 years ago

18 I have bought 2 more since then

19 I think I need a new one, though for the life of me I am at a loss to explain why

20 I have only been on line for about 2.5 years

21 I still find the people on here amazing

22 I like a good academic arguement on just about any subject

23 I dislike screaming matches however

24 I am very good at screaming matches

25 just for the record, I don't think I am that big I just think the rest of you are really small

26 I have a girlfriend, she's 5'3" and 99 pounds(no that's not a misprint)

27 My girlfriend chose me I did not choose her

28 I think I got the better end of that bargain

29 I have essentially lived in the same city my entire life

30 I have moved a grand total of 5 times in my life and the last time was 14 years ago

31 I have rented 3 movies in the last 14 years, I wonder if my block buster card is still valid

32 I became a fully self actualized adult when I was 14, that was the year I realized I wasn't the centre of the universe, not every one would like me, and that life was hard so you might as well smile when it was kicking you in the teeth. Smiling cuts back on cut lips

33 I know many people of all age groups upto and including seniors who have never become fully actualized adults

34 I know the test for being an adult is the ability to laugh at yourself

35 I know no one is as smart as they think they are, me included

36 I have never been arrested or fingerprinted so look out all you CSI'ers lol

37 I own my own golf cart

38 the contents of my garage(excluding vehicles) is worth more than the contents of my house

39 I am a bachelor, can you tell?

40 I am quiet to the point of being taciturn, not many people like that about me

41 I think more people need to shut up

42 I really think more people need to shut up more often

43 I hate crowds, I am not afraid of crowds, I just hate them

44 I am running out of things to say maybe I will have to abbreviate my list.

45 I spent January and June in Northern Ireland this year on vacation and don't let the natives fool you its still a whole lot warmer than Manitoba in winter

46 Snow depresses me, I would rather see -45 than a single flake of snow

47 I have a plan to fake my death and disappear, haven't decided whether to use it

48 I wish I could go back to school and become an accountant, I just don't have the patience to do it

49 I have worked for the same company I now run since I was 15 part time/seasonal/ full time and now the boss I am sick of this place

50 for personal reasons I am trapped here like a rat

51 shh don't tell anyone but I am really a softy