The last time I held you close

it was that day we met to say goodbye, I was flying back to Canada. We agreed to meet in the middle of town but I had to pretend I didn't know you. I followed you to the nearby castle grounds looking for a quiet place out of the way we could have a talk, we wandered here and there never quite getting the privacy we needed. everytime we thought we had found a quiet place someone would happen along and put you on edge, you had to be careful. Your husband might find out. We did find a few momentary respites to talk and share the maddening closeness. To have you so close but untouchable was like an exquisite torture.

we finally had to throw caution to the wind and having found the best spot we could we sat down and talked, I carefully held your hand and we said our good byes. We shared a few hugs and soft kisses and then it was time for you to go. We agreed to walk together to a certain point and then we would part. I of course walked as slow as I could, you seem to follow suit but well before I was ready the departure point was reached I slowed even more and you increased the tempo of your steps. And slowly but steadily you walked out of my life. And with a tear stinging my eye I quietly watched you go. I wanted to call out to you, I wanted to run after you and mostly I wanted you to turn around. Maybe you wanted the same things but for my point I had given you my word and I had to follow it. I curse the son of a bitch who taught me to be a man, why did he have to teach me honour and forthrightness.

you walked out of my life but I let you go, I guess we are even on the whole.

I miss holding you, smelling your perfume and kissing you. I always will. Find a way to smile it looks good on you

razors back

The invisible man and other things

I have told you that I am a giant man and I am. But in my family I have always been invisible. My sister the apple of my grandparents eye, my brother the apple of my fathers eye and my mothers indifference.

I am the youngest in the family, the forgotten one, I know in some families that makes you special in my family that just makes me the also ran. I wont discuss my sister because I could never compete with her and I have no issues with that. My brother on the other hand is a different matter, my big brother, the golden child is a mind boggling 324 days older than me. Yes that's right folks he is not even a year older than me, but some how those 324 days make all the difference in the world.

let me do some explaining here just to set the scene. There is some arguments that I was a premie but at 7lbs 6oz it wasn't particularily obvious and the science was a whole lot less exact at that time. I was the smallest of the 3 of us but only by 1 oz. I was also born with a whole in my heart an indication that I was a premie. babies when they are in the womb, up until the short time just before they are born have a hole connecting the two halves of their hearts. this is so that their hearts can practice pumping with out interfering with the delivery of blood from the mother. Shortly before a normal birth this whole closes permanently to allow the heart to keep the new born alive. And even with this hole it normally closes even in premies. I remember as a wee fellow going to the doctors a lot though I do not remember what happened there.

as long as I can remember I have been as big as my big brother and for the majority of it bigger than him. I have always been as strong as him as well, though I have never been able to run as far and as fast as him. In retrospect I do not know if this was a function of my likely premature birth or the fact that I was born to be a giant. Let me just say I call myself a giant not based on my height of 6'6" but rather on my whole body structure, I have extremely wide shoulders, large hands, a large skull and just generally huge body structure. Anyways my brother and I played a lot of sports together both organized and unorganized. He was always praised for his athleticism, I was never praised for anything ever. I was never a pure athlete, I succeeded by my ability to outhink my opponent which is never something that is praised. As a child I always felt invisible because I wasn't my brother

I work for my father, my brother works for my father. He is and always will be the golden child. As young adults my brother was always paid more than me, my father once told me he was older he deserved more, he is 324 fucking days older than me. I was the one who had the better qualifications, I was the one who went out and busted my ass everyday and he was the one that reaped the reward. I tought my older brother to drive a dump truck, I tought my brother to drive a semi but he was the one that made more money. I have pulled my brothers ass out of the fire on jobs more times than I care to know, I have never been given a thank you, have I ever been told I have done a good job? No I am just the other son.

in 1993, when I was just 25, my father got hold of a company killer job. It took all the resources out of the company and did nearly succeed in bankrupting us. It was a job out of town and my father ended up going out to that job to try and get it back on track. He left me in charge for a week while he went out to do this job, I was put in charge because my brother was already in charge of the company killer. Though I will say the problem wasn't with my brother but with the job. Anyways I was put in charge of the company for 1 week and 4 months later I was still in charge. Technically 13 years later I am still in charge. Though my brother has been offered my job more than once, yes that's right despite my showing my competency my brother was offered my job because he's older. I have my job and the respect of my peers not because I am my fathers son but because I have earned it, in every ones eyes but my fathers.

to this day if I am introduced at all it is as "my other son". Some men would revel in the fact they had such a large son, my father is embarrassed by it. Since the day we hit adulthood my father has been embarrassed by my size, even before I was a fat ass and just a generally huge man. My brother is the original "norm" 6' tall 200 pounds and as controversial as tapioca. He is and always will be the golden child, he is normal and I am the freak.

now why you might ask is the reason for the overly long narrative? Its because the Irish chick makes me feel the same way. She has always hidden our relationship, she will always hide our relationship especially now that it is over. The conflict in our relationship comes from her wanting the status quo and me being tired of the invisible man act. There was a point where it was necessary and perhaps even preferred but to me that time is passed but she wont move on

she is happy with her ruts and I have always struggled to break free and follow my own path. In many ways we are one and in some we are mirror opposites.

so loveatalltimes take this tale to heart and if you want to keep your man, make sure you don't hide him too long or he will learn to resent you. He will start to see your on going hiding of your relationship as confirmation of the primacy of your previous relationship as it will seem to be more important than the one you share.

razors back

A wee bit harsh.

thank you for your support but I think you are being a little harsh to the Irish chick.

I do not now nor have I ever felt she is using me. The problem in our relationship is her inability to take a chance. She has had a difficult child hood and marriage and finds it especially hard to trust a man, me included.

that and like so many other people, especially women - yeah its sexist but its true, she cares too much what other people will think or say. I care nothing what other people think or say, if they want to stick their nose into my business they can expect to get it chopped, but then that's me.

what she needs to do is to take a leap of faith and move on with her life regardless of what the neighbours will say. The two things she finds hardest to do.

razors back

Let me explain something about men.

we don't look for the grand display, if you want a man to know you love him give him the day to day considerations he gives you. Yes if a man loves you he shows you everyday and its not by giving you flowers and candies. To a man its more important to show you everyday he thinks of you. For some its car maintenance, for some its home maintenance and for others its something equally as mundane. If your car is always full of gas or has new tires when the old ones are worn, that's your man saying I love you. If there's new carpet or paint in your house regardless of who picked the colours that's a man saying I love you. that's how a man says I love you. that's how a man wants to be told I love you. Its dinner made for him even when he's working late. Fresh laundry when he needs it even though he knows how to do his own. Or a quiet night watching TV when his mind is occupied with things besides you, that's how a man knows you love him.

grand gestures mean nothing to a man, that's just for others to see. To a man its the quiet things just the two of you know that show him you love him. Men really are simple creatures unless you are dating a metrosexual then he will just want to share your mascara. LOL

of course that's just my opinion maybe I am full of shit, but that's up to other men to answer

razors back

In praise of consideration.

The Irish chick owns my heart, sometimes I wish she didn't, but I am powerless it seems. Normal this would not be a bad thing you say, But its what she does with it that is the concern.

despite my best efforts to keep her out of my heart, through really no effort on her behalf she destroyed my defenses. Tuesday I opened the door and I let her back in to my heart, so she slammed it in my face again. Let me explain. We have an unscheduled but implicit meeting every night, it isn't really scheduled but it is something we do almost everynight. I come every night and when I can't come I make sure she knows that I won't be here. Is it really too much to expect the same, its a 7 to 10 word email, its not too much to ask is it. But apparently the answer is yes. I sat waiting for her Wednesday night, nothing, and all day, nothing. So tonight finally she decides to grace me with her presence, but not her full presence, just a few sentences between whatever else she was doing. Apparently I am supposed to be happy with this. Happy to be a second or third class citizen, last on her list of considerations. Is a 10 word email really too much to expect. And apparently its me that's unreasonable.

tomorrow I will get in my new red truck and start driving when or if I come back I will see you then

razors back

To blog or not to blog


to blog or not to blog: that is the question
whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer
the slings and arrows of outrageous blogging,
or to take up keyboards against a sea of ennui
and thus by blogging end them.

what's to say that hast been said, nothing, obviously in the eons of written language at some point everything worth writing has been written. But here we sit informs of our glowing screens, me at mine you at yours, and we struggle to find that one thing worth writing. Hoping maybe in some way to mark our passing, to write the one thing worth remembering. Perhaps to find that little sliver of immortality that William Shakespeare has achieved and most, me inparticular, fail miserably.

but then we aren't really writing this for other people are we, I am writing this for me. I was convinced for the longest time that no one read my blog and that suited me. Then the comments started appearing, I suppose I found a subject worthy of comment. But either way you become a comment junky, lurking on the edges after a post seeing if someone will comment. Funny, to me it doesn't really matter if the comment is positive or negative its the affirmation that you felt it deserved comment that is the pay off. So on any given moment I am planning my next blog and then dropping it as unworthy of posting or if its about the Irish chick, whether I have said to much, given to much information.


the more I blog the more I like blogging, I recommend it to anyone and everyone. If you are new start out as anonymous as possible, never give out the information you don't want others to have. That way you can abandon your blog if it doesn't suit you with out any consequences as no one will know its you.

give it a try, I like it

razors back

Well here I go again blogging my life away

anyways more on the Irish chick huh, since you seem especially interested in her LOL

well since we broke up, we actually seem to be talking more and its free and easy. Funny thing is talking to her is nicer and less strained than it has been for weeks before she ended it. There is also the subtle subtext of unspoken attraction that pervaded our relationship at the beginning, of course I can only speak from my perspective. I am curious to know what she thinks and I will ask her in due time. I am taking things slow and easy, I know she misses the closeness we shared and so do I but I think we have to come up with a way of dealing with each other in a way besides hormonaly crazed teenagers. Am I the only man in the world who's attraction to a woman is not based on sex but who's sex is based on his attraction to the woman. She makes me laugh, she makes me smile, she makes me think and she turns me on just by being her. She of course never understands that, she probably never will, its part of our relationship I find interesting. Which she also doesn't understand. gawd I am starting to think I am complicated instead of a simple Simon.

she is a strong, smart, capable woman and for most of her life has been told that's a bad thing in a woman. Silly me that all I ever wanted in a woman, what I find attractive about her she thinks are her faults. Odd how the world works isn't it.
razors back

The Irish chick and I have been talking

it was strained to start with but things calmed down. Even though it was her idea she is pretty upset about the break up. But she knows she can always talk to me, I am not a nut, I do not scream or cry, though I wonder if she thinks I don't care. I do care a lot, I still love her, but at heart I am a pragmatist and she hasn't dealt with many of us. The Irish seem to have a peculiar need to scream at each other. Neither will I stalk her across the net, if she wants to be mine then she will be and if she doesn't then she wont.

it would be so much easier to fall back into our old patterns but how can I do that while telling other people not to do that themselves. Mind you our relationship is in no way abusive, just slightly disfunctional. I'm dis and shes functional LOL. I can certainly see why people want to fall into their old patterns, its so easy and comfortable to do what you know instead of trying the new and unproven. Maybe we can work out away to be together.

anyways work starts early and I need to get to bed, see you all around

and if the Irish chick is reading this and doesn't want to be called the Irish chick just tell me what you do want to be called razors back

Okay I fucked up big time tonight

the Irish chick and I had a quiet chat this morning and she said her good byes. It was all done with class and quiet conversation, I am not a screamer or a gnasher of teeth, I think on days like this she wishes I was. But this isn't where I fucked up just wait for it.

we talked and she had her say and we passed out of each others lives quietly like adults. I still think she is wrong, the reasons she gave were in my opinion not a reason to end this but it is after all her choice, it takes two to tango and if one doesn't want to dance then you aren't really tangoing. I personally think it still comes down to her opinion that she doesn't deserve to be happy or to be loved unconditionally. She cited a reason that will always remain between me and her, it caused the darkest part of our relationship but those that are worried it does not involve violence.

and no this isn't where I fucked up, be patient!

she said she might be on later to talk so I kept my messenger open and an eye out for her but all day nothing. I know her and this hardly surprised me she is very emotional and takes awhile to work things out for herself.

anyways I was waiting for the last of my crews to come in so I logged into a chat server and though I didn't expect to see her I looked for her. She was there and we talked quietly. I encouraged her to move on, I mean if I cant have her it doesn't stop me from wanting her to be happy. Though it will kill me when I hear she has found someone new to share her life.

where and how I fucked up? Well everyone had come and gone but I was enjoying talking to her so I didn't care. We were talking, I cant say as it was the best but I was in no hurry to have it end. Where I fucked up? My brother phoned up asking if he had dropped something outside the office. It was literally 20 feet away so I didn't go BRB because I would be gone 5 seconds. But my fucking brother had set the office door to automatic lock so when I walked out, I was locked out. I knew immediately that she would think I had left and wouldn't talk to her because I hated her but I couldn't talk to her and tell her I was coming back. I tried her mobile but it wouldn't connect me, I sat outside my office waiting for keys its -15 and I am in nothing but a T-shirt. Honestly the least of my concerns was the cold I was more worried about the Irish chick and how she would be re-acting. After 10 or 20 minutes I have no idea really how long it was, the keys arrived and I finally got back into the office and as I suspected she had left feeling like shit about herself. Which left me feeling shit about myself. I swore to her I would never intentionally hurt her and even though it wasn't technically my fault never the less I left her feeling badly about herself and that's how I fucked up today. I still cant get her on mobile(I am sure its been turned off) and she is probably crying in her bed thinking I hate her so much I wouldn't even say good night to her.

somedays I hate the fucking world
razors back

Another day in paradise

nahhh just kidding Canada is really all white snow and polar bears! Honest it is there is absolutely no reason for anyone to move here and clutter up the place. We don't really have miles and miles of open country where a fellow can feel alone and just breathe, the place is actually over run with people you can't go more than 3 or 4 miles without tripping some one. And we don't have millions of lakes. lol

actually I was out for a drive in the country today, somedays my job pays dividends. How many people get to go for a 7 hour drive in the country and not have to account to anyone where you were or what you are doing. Well technically I had a site meeting but still I enjoyed the ride lol. Especially as I took my brand new truck with me, cranked up the nickleback and rolled on down the highway, best day I had at work in a long time. Including lunch with my peers. The only draw back standing on the side of the road with a 20 mile an hour wind freezing my dingle balls off. But hey the stupid phone only rang a few times so it is all good

so anyways didn't know what to blog. And not really in the mood to discuss the Irish chick tonight
razors back

razors back

its another night of not hearing from the Irish chick, I think she sometimes just does this to make me crazy. More likely she is angry because I showed her the link to this blog and she probably wasn't fond of reading everything I wrote.

she is like so many people on here they assume everything that has gone wrong in their lives is their fault and they deserve the consequences whatever they are. Even with me she has said she has done nothing but make my life worse. But she is dead wrong, since I met her I don't drink any where near as much, even with visiting her I have more money in the bank then the day I met her and I smile a whole lot more. I can even be pleasant if I really tried lol. Before her I struggled to get out of bed, now I fairly leap from bed to see if she has left me something to read.

I no do good words lol. Its hard for me to tell you how much better she has made my life, and even if this is a parting of the ways I will always look back with a smile. She will always be a pleasant memory to me but to be honest the thing I want most is more memories. I want to run my finger down her smooth cheek, I want to hold her in my arms, I want to hear her laugh at some stupid thing I have said and more than anything I want to see her over the top of her glasses as she tries to decide if I am nuts or not. So far I think its mostly been nots lol.

when we were walking she had to slow down for me, even though my legs are much longer than hers she tends to walk much faster and she seems perennially in a rush, where as I am sure the world will still be there when I get there so unless I am late for an appointment I tend to amble along. I guess I have mostly been focusing on the differences between us maybe I should tell you of some of the similarities.

we both wear glasses, we both have blue eyes and we both are shy. But that's just a wee bit of the picture. We are both smart, though judging by the on line IQ test she is smarter than I and I am okay with that. We are both stubborn to the point of obstinacy. We are both quiet, she talks less than I do, which is starting to be a problem because I have run out of stories lol. We both like coffee and coke and toast and cheese lol.

I miss her

I wish things could be like in the beginning, but our relationship has matured I am not sure we have and that's where the conflict comes into the relationship.

anyways I guess I have said enough

here is me fairly recently still working on this whole blog thing lol

and an older one of me 10 years ago. notice the appropriate tough guy scowl

The Irish chick

we met in an innocuous little chat room that doesn't even exist anymore. It was December 7, 2003, a saurday I believe, about 4 pm central standard time.

the first time we met it was in a basically empty chat room I sometimes went in and had never seen her in it before. We only talked maybe twenty minutes that first day but I knew there was something about her I liked and she became the first person I looked for when I logged on to that chat server. And with in days we were on messenger. She is normally a very shy and reserved person but wow things moved fast as lightning lol.

we talked, we laughed and we shared intimate wee chats about our lives. There is no one who knows more about my life then her. I love her I always will love her.shes smart and strong with her own opinions and values and she doesn't let me get away with shit. lol she is everything I ever wanted in a woman, if only she was a 6 foot tall blonde lmao just kidding. Maybe I am weird but I love intelligent women and she is definitely that. She is also pretty, cute and extremely easy to make blush. And when she looks at me over the top of her glasses and gives me a look that says "you're nuts" it makes me laugh so very hard and love her more than ever.

I don't know how much I can tell you with out betraying the confidences she has entrusted me with. I may not be much but I don't kiss and tell.

even when we are fighting she makes me smile, which drives her crazy but that's another story. She says I am no fun to fight with because I don't get wound up, I do get quite wound up in fact but she never brings that out in me. I can sit and watch her for hours just walk around and putter but she gets self conscious so I have to kind of do it out the corner of my eye. I think she still notices but lets it slide because I am atleast not doing the full on stare.

the physical description of her. She is a brunette, 5'3, petite, loads of freckles, soft almost translucent skin and a shapely if small wee bum. Her collarbone are not any wider than the ourtstretched fingers of my hand. Her whole hand is smaller than 3 of my fingers, she lays her delicate hand in my big ole bear paw and it cracks me up. We are just basically polar opposites on the appearance meter. She is a pretty and a delicate but strong woman and me if I had a little more hair I could pass as a lowland gorilla.

I knew before the first time we ever met face to face that she suited me to a tee mentally and the first time we sat cuddled on a sofa, she snuggled up under my arm and fit just right, I knew she was perfect. Except I am always scared I will break her, like my moms favourite glass figurine.

razors back
I also spent from the middle of may till the middle of June in northern Ireland.

what I left out of the previous post is the rainy season in northern Ireland runs approximately January to December, so always take your rain gear. Personally I carried a small back pack in which I carried a rain coat and my camera some spare bits of clothing and what not.

the tourists have been avoiding this country for the last 30 years so it is not over run with tourists and the locals have not learned to be tired of people asking stupid questions. Like I said they are a very friendly people with out siders if not with themselves

for me I took my credit cards of course and some cash, but no travelers cheques as the last time I tried to cash a travelers check in Arizona I was treated like a criminal and just refuse to use them anymore. Instead I withdraw money from cash machines. The good news is that my Canadian bank card worked perfectly fine in the Irish cash machines and that's how got my spending cash.

the northern Ireland banks each issue their own bank notes but they are never the less British sterling, however they do not like northern Ireland pounds in England so it is best if you get some bank of England notes for when or if you transit through Heathrow airport. One of the cool things if you are a collector of bank notes is that there is a bank in northern Ireland that issues 5 pound notes that are actually made out of plastic, they are blue and have see through windows in them.

the other thing is they don't have a lot of tourist trap things as they haven't had a lot of tourists. So if you want to see the worlds largest..... Anything do not bother going. If you want a laid back vacation where somedays you have nothing better to do then sit in a pub and drink beer then go. They have some beautiful country and natural wonders but really the best thing about the place is the people. I quickly found a couple of pubs where I was welcome and practicaly a local.

oh and for the canuck and yanks they think 60 miles is a longgggg way and to be fair for them it is. The whole province of northern Ireland is only 5,400 sq miles or less than 75 miles square.

maybe next post I should say more about the Irish chick

razors back

I spent the month of January 2005 in Northern Ireland, it was great. The people are very friendly and the scenery is nice.

if any of you are thinking of going to northern Ireland go from January to June, never go after June. Most of the shit that used to go on over there has died down but July and august are the recreational rioting months. Yes they have full scale riots sometimes lasting a week at a time and you never know where or when they will start. And depending on who's nose is out of joint they return in September and after. Get out of Belfast its a dirty little town that has wildly violent nights. If any of you from northern Ireland object, too bad, its true. You have a level of street violence that would be on par with the united states and that isn't good.

the other thing? Bring lots of money!!! LOL
a cup of coffee is $2 and no refills.
a large americano from Starbuck's is $4
and you don't even want to know what a latte is worth lol
my rule of thumb is if it costs a dollar it costs a pound and for Canada's that means 2 times the price at home

stick to the bed and breakfasts or guest houses they are nice, reasonable, well kept and every one I stayed at was staffed by friendly people. If you look lots of them you can book online so atleast you have a place when you land and then you can make arrangements as you go.

they have excellent public transport and you don't really need to rent a car as long as you are willing to walk occasionally or rent a taxi. One day my fat ass walked 12 miles between towns because I got lost and it was a nice day so I kept walking

one word of warning nothing is open or moves in northern Ireland on Sunday morning. The place is just plain closed till 1pm. Not a restaurant, nothing, well the occasional gas station.

I did quite a bit of walking, I really enjoyed it. Just becareful where you go, especially after dark. Because of what they call the troubles, the 30 year civil war, there are almost no public benches or rest areas as they discourage loitering. If you wind up somewhere you shouldn't be do not bring up religion unless you are damn sure who you are talking to. to Canadians and Americans say something the accent is a dead give away and will give you credit with most people. atleast the ones looking to start troubles with the other side will let you slide because you aren't really the other side. And Canadians you will be accused of being American but a gentle correction will set things straight and you will find almost every body has a cousin in Toronto LOL

anyways that's my take on the place if you have any questions ask away. I am hardly expert but I can give you the benefit of my 2 months of experience

razors back

razors back

the Irish chick

the first time I went to meet the Irish chick we agreed to meet in a neutral place. Of course we agreed to meet in a neutral place, I mean I could be an axe murderer or something. Sorry for the sarcasm but it doesn't change the truth of the internet. Anyone can be anything they want on here. I could just as easily be a short woman or the original Canadian psycho. I say this in recognition of an earlier comment that maybe she wasn't being truthful, I can say she was always entirely truthful but neither was I, we all embellish don't we. Anyways

we met in the Laganside bus terminal in down town Belfast, northern Ireland. I had a bed and breakfast just outside Belfast and she doesn't live in Belfast, so it was relatively safe and neutral ground. She had arrived before me and was sitting on a bench quietly reading a book as I approached. I sat opposite her and quietly called her name she looked up and a smile immediately came to her face. I had sat opposite because I did not want her to feel pressured or intimidated. It was a great relief to me that the first thing she did was move to sit next t me. We talked quietly as almost strangers do, we of course weren't strangers but this was our first face to face meeting and no amount of messenger time exactly prepares you for that. It was amazing I never felt more comfortable with anyone in my life and had a shit eating grin that would normally have looked way out of place on my face.

we talked quietly and earnestly, moving to the bus terminal cafe for a quick coffee. The first time I stood next to her I thought she would run a mile, regardless about what had been said when she stood next to me and was just slightly over my elbow and I towered above her like some Neanderthal giant I honestly thought she would make her excuses and disappear. Needless to say she didn't, lucky for me LOL. Anyways after awhile we went for a walk in Belfast and went to the castle court mall. She helped me buy a cell phone we had another coffee in a small out of the place spot and I shyly held her hand for the very first time. It was electric. We talked, we laughed, we talked, we laughed, well you get the idea. It was getting later in the afternoon and we went back to my bed and breakfast, into my room and in the privacy of that room we carried on like a couple of teenagers LOL. For all of you presently covering your eyes most of our clothes stayed on and nothing to bad came to pass. LOL thought you were going to see something you shouldn't have didn't you. We kissed, we petted and we moaned and groaned LOL but we didn't get naked and get nasty. Her idea not mine of course LOL. And for those that have me pegged as a sucker, we did get naked just not this first meeting. I suppose it was her natural way to ensure she wasn't just a roll in the hay, something she has never been and never will be to me.

anyways that's the abridged version, some of it isn't anybodies business, some of it I guard jealously as it will always only be mine and some of it is what makes me smile.

she is an amazing woman and has the one thing I desire most in a woman a really big set of .......... Brains, though she got tied up with me so how smart could she be LOL

feel free to comment or not, your call.

razors back

Okay okay Okay I can play games as well as anyone

1 A jingle all the way

Plop Plop
Fizz Fizz
Oh What a Relief It Is

2 A boarding game I was boarded with

Trivial Pursuit.
and I was good baby, I won atleast 4 games to every one I lost

3 Bad song singing

well when I was a kid it was "clouds in my coffee" which I sang as "clowns in my coffee"
as an adult I intentionally miss appropriate the words to amuse myself

4 tales of a misspent youth

they tell lots of stories about me and I will give a few examples but mostly I think they tell them because I am about the only one in the family with a full blown sense of humour.

they like the story of when I was 2 or 3 and having received a crisp new one dollar bill for christmas I cried, threw it in the trash and asked for a nickel. A nickel being enough money to buy a handful of candies and the most amount of money I ever had up to that point.
Yes I am old enough to remember when nickels were valuable. I remember 10 cent bottles of coke even. Sigh the follies of a misspent youth.

gees I am having a hard time remembering the other stories as I have spent most of my life trying to forget them

so I guess unless they come to me later you will just have to accept this one

I am kind of new to the blogosphere and don't really know anyone to tag except the links I follow through Christine blog so for now I guess I am it

hey wait a minute. TAG CHRISTINE YOU ARE IT

razors back

Okay you want more huh lets see

Why do I read Christine's blog

We sort of exist in the same circumstances, except I don't have a nut living in my house, well besides me

I have an internet girlfriend who lives in Ireland, well had one, more on this later. Anyways we have been e-dating for approximately 2 years. I went to see her in January and July of 2005. We clicked on the web and boy did we click in person.

She is kind of the polar opposite of me
she 5'3 me 6'6
she 100lb me 400lb
she college educated me life experience
she 5 kids me none
but the problem
she married me never

We were together and it felt right but she wouldn't leave her husband. He I think is bipolar but he remains undiagnosed, he certainly has some kind of mental malfunction. But like so many women in those situations he had managed to convince her that it was her fault he treated her so badly. I stuck by her even though it was hard and it hurt, but she is my soulmate and I do not give up easily. I suppose I could have tried to force the situation, and to tell the truth with her personality it was probably what she wanted. That way she could avoid the difficulty of accepting her part in our little drama. But for myself I needed to know she was with me because she wanted to be not because she had to be, it is now and always has been her choice. In October of this year family services stepped in and made him leave the family house as he was considered a bad influence on the children with his sudden and violent mood swings. He is a master manipulator and it seems is even pulling the wool over the eyes of family services by attending counseling and acting like the original angel while they watch, in the meantime he has openly admitted to her that he considers it a joke and that he is just going through the motions as he is not the problem. Still I sat and we talked and shared our lives and I did not force a single issue and things never changed.

So fast forward to New Years Eve, she disappears off the computer and I don't hear from her for a whole day and I worry and fret about someone I love who has just disappeared and on New years day she comes on to talk to me but she says she doesn't want to talk to me anymore. She is just going to be with her kids and get her life in order and I am no longer a part of it.

I accepted that, with class and dignity or as a sucker some might say. But class is such a rare commodity that few people recognize it these days. Anyways a few days later she is back talking to me, I talk politely and openly ask about her and the kids and hows things going. We talk more and more and I guess you could say we might have been heading for a reconciliation of a type, but it is no longer acceptable to me to have the relationship we had. It must be a proper one, I told her she had to start divorce proceedings before I would consider returning to be even her e-boyfriend. So now I sit here with no contact from her, refusing to contact her. Broken hearted, depressed and hiding it from everyone.

Anyways now you know more about my life then anybody but her, even my family doesn't know all this.

I guess I am the quintessential man as I will not whimper whine and cry about my life, I just live it.

LOL and if you say this post is whiney its not my fault Christine insisted about learning more about me